approval
“It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.”
Some universal truths can hit like a whisper in a quiet room. They are subtle, but impossible to ignore. I have, on countless occasions, said I didn’t care what people thought. And on the surface, that’s mostly true. I don’t care how strangers might perceive me. I don’t generally seek the approval of others. People will judge us regardless, so whatever. I am, however, aware of how some things might be received, especially by those I like or respect.
I guess I’ve realized that approval-seeking isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s barely perceptible. A delayed reply. A softened opinion. A moment of hesitation before saying the thing you know is true because you’re calibrating to give the response that lands correctly. I do this. Maybe not every time, but often enough that it makes me question what is happening.
“Care about people´s approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work, then step back, the only path to serenity.”
Prisoner. That stings a bit. Am I a prisoner who isn’t stepping back after doing the work? Or am I failing before doing the work by being aware of how it might be received? In The Creative Act Rick Rubin says something like our job is to "tune in” to the universe and create—not to worry about how what we’ve created is received.
I’m rambling.
Marcus Aueralius. Lao Tzu. Rick Rubin.
I’ll take lessons from those guys all day.
There’s a big part of me that wants to unlearn all of it at once. To stop editing, to stop considering how things might be received, to stop interpreting. To rip the Band-Aid off. Burn it down. Start over.
Maybe that’s where things are headed.
As I write this, I’m in the middle of moving across the country with my family. A full reset. The kind you can’t talk yourself out of because the gear is packed and you’re actually homeless. I don’t know what this next chapter looks like, but I do know it’s time to leave behind the habits that made me smaller.
Time to become the person the universe had in mind when it created me.